I have never felt so disengaged with everyone as much as I do right now. Disengaged with work and disengaged with officemates. I just want to wallow alone in my room with lights off with nothing but the faint glow of the streetlamp across my room. I just want to lie, down sleep, not feel a thing and wake up just fine (if I plan on waking up).
But at the same time, I feel so fucking guilty for feeling this way because I’m pretty sure that I have one of the easiest workloads and my officemates must be thinking that I have it all easy. One officemate of mine has been physically unwell coughing blood while here I am coughing words of complaints and moping.
But my chest feels so fucking tight right now. It clenches and aches with every thought passing by. My fingers are starting to lose all its strength to carefully press down the keyboard. My arm is starting to ache as if a heavy block is pressing it in between. I am having difficulty in breathing because I am chasing my breath, fast and shallow.
With every notifications popping up and alerting me, I can feel this sense of discomfort and anxiousness churning down my stomach. One time I felt like I might throw up. I felt restless. I tried wiggling out my fingers did some lip exercises and take a deep breaths. It helped for a few good minutes until another factor triggered me again.
I guess this is how I will be for the whole day, whole week, whole month, whole year… who knows.
DESTROYING INHIBITIONS 